😢
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
What do you do when your mind isn’t exactly working like clockwork?
Change your gears.
They say you are what you eat.
Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
It is interesting to realise that the Indian Gods are also called Devs
/r/teenagers/comments/f2yg7u/it_is_interesting_to_realise_that_the_indian_gods/
A clown held open the door for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
What kind of bees makes milk?
Boo-bees
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
A pirate walks into bar and sits…
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that's his story and he's sticking to it.
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Faggot."
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music
I think it’s the Chopin board.
Spent a few hours on the wife’s grave today
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of people know this
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
MY SO left me because I’m too insecure
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage…
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.