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Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
Her: Itâs not working out between us. For starters, Iâm sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
âLife is like a box of chocolatesâ
âIt doesnât last long if youâre fat.â
An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I wanna get my hands on the fuckwad that pushed me in that water!"
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, âYou better not be growing weed with those lamps!â
âYouâre gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!â
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
Whenever Iâm at the therapistâs waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but Iâm a fan.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
Little billy goes to a whorehouse
Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls. Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket. Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore. Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy. Billy: Why can't I have Sandy? Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy. Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids. Madame: why little Billy? Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
My marriage is like a fairytale
A witch is waiting for me at home
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, âLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?â
Larry replies, âGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heâs fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iâm done, poof! The light goes off.â âWow, thatâs incredible,â the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryâs wife. âBonnie,â he says, âLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iâm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heâs done, poof, the light goes off?â âOh sweet Jesusâ, exclaims Bonnie. âHeâs peeing in the refrigerator again!â
A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters…
He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.