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Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
Itâs easy until you know there are rules, hard when youâre bad at it, then easy again once you get good at it
Itâs easy until you know there are rules, hard when youâre bad at it, then easy again once you get good at it
It all
The title says it all.
I’m going to name my first son Kelvin
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.
âI donât know why, but Iâm afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.â the girlfriend tells her boyfriend. âThatâs crazy, thereâs nothing to be worried about.â the man replies. The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains. When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc. âWow, you might be right!â the man says as he unscrews the disc from the floor. The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room. âYou guys mustâve had a good time last nightâ the clerk says laughing. Angry and confused, the man asks âAND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?!â The clerk replies âWell, on the floor below you, the entire chandelier came down.â
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
I saw a communist joke the other day,
I just had to share it with everyone
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
We de-liver
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree…
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable â an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched â with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked âwhere are the mushrooms?â … without missing a beat, I said
âI couldnât get them, there wasnât âmush roomâ in the trolley. â She threw things at me
Why couldnât the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
Why are cows bad at dancing?
They lactose.
Why did the dog go to college?
To get its pedigree.
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “What would Jesus do” ?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
What did a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldnât stomach my cheesy jokes.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
Got into a fight with a vending machine
Had to knock some cents into it
Pro tip for the kitchen. If you’re out of onions and you really need one…
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
âHey you see that ceiling, itâs not the best ceiling iâve ever seen but
itâs up there.â
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
Why Americans donât use metric?
Foot fetish