😹LITERALLY DYING😹
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
When you eat something sour and you’re too afraid to swallow it and there’s nowhere to spit it out
When you eat something sour and you’re too afraid to swallow it and there’s nowhere to spit it out
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
I switched the labels on all my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire. The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket! After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment