🙄
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
I got pulled over by the police yesterday
I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence. He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced. He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle. "Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you" I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"
A Russian group I’m in keeps posting trash like this and reposting it 999 times
https://ift.tt/2xQdrxx
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.
I discovered eggs Benedict is best served on a vintage hubcap.
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
Thank god Canada’s not the global super power
Or we'd all be sorry
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.
After rubbing on it, a genie pops out! The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The genie asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Another film has been released about a barrier in India.
It's a Sikh wall.
My roomate and i did this game where we cleaned up another ones room everyday.
We were maid for each other.
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
Mr Ed just moved next door to me a few days ago.
We’re neighbors now.
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.