🤔🤔🤔
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
When llamas took over the world
the result was alpacalyptic
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?" "Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?" "I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.
Because communication is key.
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
Goth Ham
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
What’s Beethoven doing in his grave
De-composing
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar…
…and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs. The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.” The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front door. 5 minutes later, the Irish Man stumbles in again, this time through the side door. “Barkeep! ‘Ow are ye dis foine evenin’? Oi’ll have a point, if ye will”, he says to the bartender with a smile. “None of that charm will do you any good, sir. Off you go now. Come back when you’re more sober.” “Bah! Foine, foine”, the Irish Man replies, turning around and knocking over a stool before stumbling out the side door. Another five minutes pass, and the Irish Man once again saunters in, this time through the back door. “Barkeep! Oi’ll have a drink, and make er a double!” Having lost his patience, the bartender finally yells “Sir! I will not be serving you any alcohol, and if I see you again tonight, I’ll never serve you another drink!” The Irish man wobbles slightly before squinting his eyes in confusion. “Alright, Alright, Oi’ll be on me way. But before Oi go, Oi’ve one question for ya”, he says, leaning in, “How many fookin’ bars do ye work at anyway?”
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife