🤣🤣🤣
My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old…
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
I’m not fucking lying.
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
https://ift.tt/32dkF7K
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything
You know what’s really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.
Anyone else?
Anyone else?
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms – and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, “No, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
https://ift.tt/3c4cxwa
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
How does Wesley serve your steak dip sandwich?
Au jus wish.
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chili.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
I asked my wife if she would wear gloves if she had no hands? She said – ermmm nooo..
Then why are you wearing a bra?
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
The salesman asked me , “so which mattress do you want?”.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet…
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
The Norwegian navy has started putting bar codes on their ships…
So they can scan da navy in…
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
Whoever stole my antidepressants
I hope you're happy now