🦀 🦀 Earth is Doomed 🦀 🦀
1 person in every 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system.
The other guy is fine with it.
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
![[OC] That sinking feeling](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/g0njqonnv3r31-400x401.jpg)
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower.
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day
In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death. On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetary together. The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $10,000 for myself and only put in $40,000." The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $30,000." The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $50,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"
What do sprinters eat before races?
Nothing, they fast
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What does a house wear?
Address