đŠ
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Failed to crosspost to r/kidsarefuckingstupid for some reason so here ya go guys
https://ift.tt/2OMnLfw
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbeelievable
When youâre in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then youâll get a, âSuper Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They’re absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then…"
I lost a drinking buddy to a tragic accident,
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
Heâs good at saving
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle??
A polar bear
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend…
…but I couldn't catch them all.
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
Why does no one know what happens after death?
Itâs coffindential
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because theyâre brainwashed by the government and the mediaâŠ
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
CDC: âNo handshakesâ
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender âAww…â
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
They should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds!
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
Little girl lands position as construction boss.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young familyâs 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them âgems-in-the-roughâ more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars âpayâ sheâd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: âI worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.â âOh my goodness gracious,â said the teller, âand will you be working on the house again this week, too?â The little girl replied, âI will if those lazy assholes from Loweâs ever deliver the fucking sheetrock.â
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
I just watched a documentary on marijuana,
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, itâs tulips on an organ.
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
Gay jokes aren’t funny.
Cum on guys.