1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
My to doo list
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
This blu-ray I bought said the main event would be David vs. Daniel.
However, the screen only said DVD.
“Mom? What’s dark humor?”
“Well son…you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.” “Mom! I’m blind.” “Exactly.”
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
![[META] Boomer comic page my aunt always shares is now just straight up using this subreddit for content](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/u0qxo3esld741-400x376.jpg)
A nun plays golf and takes the Lord’s name in vain
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?" "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a Talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not Relaxing?" "Far from it, "snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today." "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a Bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee." "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs My ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this Hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his talons !" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile? "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
Yes it is.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
Our bedtime conversation
Me: (enormous, burly fart) Her: My god, that sounds like an animal! Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
Where do you keep Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
https://youtu.be/zkcAPgm42-c
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
happened earlier today. not the same person i used to be.
happened earlier today. not the same person i used to be.
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
NSFW. I had to see this on FB so now you do too….(The proper way to use a condom after 60)
https://ift.tt/2S3Yuzt
A man decided to attend his friend’s funeral. He approached his friend’s widow and after a consoling hug said “Plethora”.
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
I, for one, like roman numerals.
No text found
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
