1 country, 2 systems
At work, I’m known as “Mr. Compromise.”
That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90ās vernacular
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Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store…
…so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend. They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reached to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive. At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! Weāre all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off – shooting down the hill at a rate of knots. The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind. By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!". The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!". The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."
My friend says heās a compulsive liar…
I donāt believe him.
If a woman sleeps with ten men sheās a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, heās gay. Like really gay.
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?
Artificial Intelligence
Iām not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and Iām not a pony
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Happy Friday y’all
Happy Friday y’all
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
NO PLEASE NO NOT THAT ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I DONT WANT TO GO THERE!!!
NO PLEASE NO NOT THAT ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I DONT WANT TO GO THERE!!!
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.Ā
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones donāt make it write.
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he's aware wolf
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts…
Now sheās a medium.
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
A lawyer gets pulled up for overspeeding in Chicago.
Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer? Officer: Sir, you were overspeeding. Lawyer: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see ur license please? Lawyer: I would have given it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers then. Lawyer: I can't do that either. Officer: Why not? Lawyer: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner. Officer: WHAT? Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defend, otherwise he would have called the police and I would have landed in jail. The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly retreats to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars encircle the Lawyer's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle. Lawyer: Is there a problem sir? Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner. Lawyer: Killed the owner? Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir? Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license. The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it over to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner. Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Iām reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
One of my dads favorite jokes….
A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.64" "What the hell did you sell?!?" "First I sold him a bag of #8 fish hooks, then I sold him a bag of #1 fish hooks, then I sold him a set of lures. I then sold him a new fishing rod. After I asked where he was going fishing and he told me he was going to the coast, I told him he would be best off with a boat, so I brought him over to the sea craft department and sold him that 24' twin engine Yamaha. He was doubtful that his Silverado could manage it, so I took him down to automotive and got set him up with the 4×4 F350." "A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"
My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasnāt at work
She must have called in thick
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.