1/R
Today my son asked for a book mark, I burst into tears
He’s 11 and still doesn’t know my name is Brian
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen. “Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
No text found
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?
How could anyone stoop so low??
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
An Indian who was too modern was elected as chief of the tribe
Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
No text found
As a scarecrow they said I was outstanding in my field..
But hey, it's in my genes.
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
The four stages of Santa Clause in a man’s life…
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"