Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
It’s all over town.
However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus: I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which I drank. Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured the contents in the sink, except for one glass, which I drank. Then I pulled the cork off the third bottle, poured one glass, except for the content, which I drank. Then i pulled the cork out of the fourth sink, poured the bottle in the glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork out of the next glass, poured the cork in the bottle and pulled the glass. After that, I pulled the cork out of the bottle, poured the sink in the bottle and put the cork in the bottle with the glass and pored the whisky on the bottle. When all the bottles were empty, I had to support the house with one hand while I counted bottles, corks and glasses with the other hand. I got 29, precisely. To be absolutely sure, I counted once more. This time I got 74 again. When the house was passing by I counted everything again, and lastly all the houses, bottles and sinks, except for one cork that I poured in the house and drank…
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
Remains to be seen.
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Milk, because it can be pasteurized before you even see it.
But I didn't have to go because Iran
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
They're always looking for people.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
The distributive property.
Now he’s just a handyman.
It was too main stream
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each. Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out." They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, John said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me." Jim replied, "How do you think I feel.. I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
-Hello, My name is Mia! -Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die? -Well… I froze to death. -Oh my.. what a terrible way to die! -Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die? -I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television. -What happened after? -I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack. (Mia starts to laugh) -What's so funny? -Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
Then it hit me
They're so full of themselves!
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Moses. He could control sea.
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
The pencil works on things other than paper.