What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?
The front row at a Trump rally.
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
I asked a French man if he played videogames
He said "wii"
This morning, my wife dragged me around the store looking at futons…
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
How do cells multiply?
By dividing.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.
No text found