:(

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.

Israeli funny

but it needs some work

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/

I keep all the results on a spreadsheet

Leave me the Fu Cologne.

I will find you. You have my Word!

Because they have no guts.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed" ​ ​ ​ ​ Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes."

He looks at his sasquatch. ​ I made this up at work. It's a dad-joke for sure. I googled it and found no record of it. ​ What do I win?

He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"

SURPRISE!

When there is change in the weather.

People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.

She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same.  When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger."  The class was horrified. Some of them threw up.  "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here."  "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."

My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.

Glrhrglelgrglugr

Hey Between you and me… something smells!

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

agree to fuck each other. The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees. ​ The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away. ​ The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse. ​ The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by. ​ The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?" ​ The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?" ​ Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"

He charged one and let the other one off.

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”

It’s open Mike night!

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly. "Two or four lanes?"

He was named first!

… now get ready for Times New Ramen

Me: Thanks for reminding me.

Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall

Her/she