How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
Why is it So relatable… When I code after 2:00AM
Why is she sad???
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Lets split some water
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
She has a plan for everything…
Why that bear got a firm grip on her ass tho
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
Spanking = No gangs
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
Watson and Crick? More like Watson and Crook 😪
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
The GOP discovers nepotism.
Full-stack developer means
behind every great developer there’s ….
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed" Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
F to everyone who’s trying to learn off of crappy documentation
Aren’t time zones amazing?
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes."
An interesting title
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch. I made this up at work. It's a dad-joke for sure. I googled it and found no record of it. What do I win?
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test…
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
Figured it would be better here. Left the username for credit of course.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Republicans be like “It’s my AMERICAN RIGHT to be able to choose to pay for insurance!”
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike…
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
Give that anti-vaxxer in your life something special this holiday!
“The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,” the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, “You can’t be squeamish.” He then stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
Watch out for this one!
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Karma is a bitch!
Hi Satan, nice to meet you.
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
I found a mask with boomer humor.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
A horny lion and a horny mouse
agree to fuck each other. The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees. The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away. The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse. The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by. The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?" The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?" Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
ADS B A D
Can I get my paper back..
Excuse me, what are you doing?
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly. "Two or four lanes?"
Probably incorrect meme
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
Just going straight to sleep is pretty hard tbh
Change my mind.
So no more formal White House dinners then
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
Because if he moves he’s gonna get blasted
I miss them so much.
The iceberg of software development.