$1200
Why is 10 always afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
When I was a child I wondered where the sun went at night
Then it dawned on me
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
Young Virgin Couple
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden…
I think he's lost the plot…
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, “I’d like to trade places with Donald Trump!”
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day. So they ask Trump, he obliges. Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?" The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."
I used a penny stamp to mail a love note. But instead of writing it, I only sprayed it with my favorite cologne.
With a cent, I sent a scent.
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction
So I packed my stuff up and right
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f…!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .
. . . except for his boots. “Where your clothes at, Slim?” “Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’ So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’” Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’ So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office !
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
50 dollars is 50 dollars
Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion. On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars. The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree. The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter. Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two." James says "well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 doolars is 50 dollars."