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What did the DJ name his son?
https://ift.tt/338Kd76
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good. Just made this up in the kitchen and got an eye roll from my wife, so I figured it was good to post, even if it is a bit cheesy.
Two priests go into the shower
In the shower they notice that there are no soap. One of them says "Il go to my room and bring 2 soap bars" runs naked to the room, grabs 2 bars of soap and when he was running back… 3 nuns show up, first thing he remembers to do "freezes like a statue".. Nuns look at the statue and say "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped" One of them, looking to the priest's "toy soldier" decides do pull it…. The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars The nun concludes then, that it is no statue…. It actually is a soap machine!! The second nun happily does exactly the same and the priest drops the second bar of soap! The third nun pulls it once…. Nothing… Pulls it twice….. Nothing…. Pulls it thrice…. Nothing… Pulls it again and again and again…. And finnaly marveled she says: "Lord be praised… It also gives shower gel!!"
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.
Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, and the Peanuts.
I named it The Trail Mix.
I told my teenage daughter to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh dad you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
Mourning wood.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
Son: Dad, did you know that 1 out of 5 children in the world still face hunger?
Dad: Why isn’t anybody turning the 5th kid around?
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name
He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian