The self-cannibal at work got into trouble for making fun of me.
He really put his foot in his mouth.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
You know what is really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel…
The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?” The kid says, “I wanna get laid!” The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.” “But I wanna get laid.” The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.” Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, “Kid! You’re back!” The kid says, “You said wait ten years, so I did.” Did you practice on the tree like I told you?” “Yes ma’am, I did!” The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, “What are you doing kid?” “Checking for squirrels.”
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennssine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures. The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Perhaps this is the reason Moscow Mitch can’t agree on impeachment trial terms with Trump
https://ift.tt/35yTXJc
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The sky is the limit”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
I went to buy camouflage trousers the other day
But I couldn’t see myself wearing any
Why did the butcher quit his job and become a cattle rancher?
He wanted to raise the steaks.
I was addicted to soap once.
Now I’m clean
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
Sneakers
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
I’m amazed by dry-erase boards…
They’re remarkable.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”
Guy #2 – “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?” Guy #1 – “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
The Avatar should come back to us when he gets old.
Like a good boomer Aang.
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.