:(
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
My wife is turning 32 soon…
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
Whoever stole my antidepressants
I hope you're happy now
A driving teacher asks his student “There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?”
Student: "My wife" DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
I asked my Dad: “Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He said: “No, I got shot in the leggy.”
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…I’m one of them.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Shout out to the guy that makes these sausages
In my heart, he'll always be a wiener
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
No text found
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
2 fish in a tank. One says to the other,
How do you drive this thing
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
“Dad, what are condoms for?”
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.