I hardly know her!
It was of great sedimentary value.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are. Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
and ordered a drink. “Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied. “Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”
By 4am I was past caring…
There were a lot of red flags.
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
He's never going to finish his sentence.
Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says “Jason, you know I can’t serve Robins here”
Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!" Then he beats him to death.
You can hide but you can't run!
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?" After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front. "One dollar!" she said. The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher. "What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked. "What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!" "You said their parents gave them five dollars." "Yeah, so?" "You work at an orphanage, you moron!"
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
It was the least I could do!
It was a brief case.
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
I rest in peas.
People say I'm mentally eel.
Except sphere itself.
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
Produce that’s half eaten doesn’t sell…
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
I said maybe.
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Keith. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything."
I don’t do drugs
First of all, it’s a long one and I am not a native speaker. Would be great if within the comments some native speakers might improve it so it is even better for the people to follow 😉 I will update the joke after some time! Thanks!! And now Let’s start! ——— JOKE STARTS HERE ——- There is guy who had not had sex for a veeeeery long time. As he is single and some dates went against his expectations he wants to go to a brothel to have a nice time. He takes a cab and after a short ride and a grinning face of the cab driver he arrived at his destination. At the entry he is asked by the bawd what his preferences are. „Nothing special. I just want to have a good time. Can you recommend someone or something?“ „Uhhh…there is someone really special now for few days in this location!“ „Whats so special about her?“ the guy asked quite interested. „Simple. She is giving you a blowjob and whilst doing this will sing a beautiful song!“ „How the fuck is this possible???“ „No idea. You have to try! Last floor. 3rd door!“ The guy puts his money on the table and runs upstairs standing in front of the said door. Slowly opening there is a beautiful woman sitting in a room on her bed. The guy jumps in with a lot of anticipation immediately getting nude and asking the woman she shall start with what the bawd had told. The woman is looking at him smiling: „Wow. Someone can’t wait anymore. But first you have to play my rules!“ „Huh!?!“, the guy replied bewildered. „The rules are clear: You sit on my bed. Getting nude – that’s what you already have done this time. I will shut down the lights, entering the bathroom enclosed to this room. Will come back after I have prepared few things and will start with the show!“ „Ok.“ the guy responded confused, but yet willing to follow what she has said. And there it goes. Lights go out. She walks into the bathroom. Comes back. And the show starts with an oral explosion. And if this might be enough the woman sings the most beautiful version of “somewhere over the rainbows” he ever heard. After 30 secs he cums grabbing the hairs of the woman. The woman stops. And asks the guy to just wait for a moment and puts the light on! The guy is just completely impressed and gets back home. Laying home in his bed he is still thinking about this awkward blowjob and tries to figure out how the fuck this woman can give the best and tightest blowjob he ever received, but yet is singing like a goddess. “How the fuck is this possible?”, he thinks and swears to find out the next day paying attention to every detail. Next day. Next evening. The guy is standing in front of the bawd again. Throwing once again his money on the table and yelling “The singing woman again!”. The bawd just grins and opens the door to the stairs. Last floor. Third door. The woman recognizes him and tells him he has to follow the rules! So he sits down on the bed getting nude. Light are turned off. The woman goes to the bathroom. Comes back in darkness and starts to blow and sing. The orgasm is awesome and the song is brilliant. Evening and adventure ends. So he is laying in his bed again at home and still has no fucking clue what happened. “Tomorrow i will find out. There must be a rational solution to all of this!” And so he decides to visit the brothel ONE more time the next evening. The bawd laughs. “Once again our special blowjob??” “Yes!”. So he runs upstairs and he fucking swears to find out the secret today! The woman awaits him. And reminds him to follow the rules otherwise he will be kicked out with no cash back!! “I do!! I do!!!” So the lights been shut down. He sits in the bed and this time…instead of getting nude…he decides to turn on the light. So he triggers the switch. Enlightening the room. And as the guy inspects the room. He sees a glass eye on the night stand next to the bed.
If they’re pasta expiration date.