16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
No text found
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
What did Trump say when he picked up the cheese shredder?
"With this, I will make America grate again."
2 Girls, 1 Cup isn’t for everyone.
But some people eat that shit up.
Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and
“OH MY GOD!” Silence followed….. complete silence… Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
The three unwritten rules of life
1. 2. 3.
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander. They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated. The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me." The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture." The Italian says, "I'm fucked." The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened. "Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country," Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. 3 days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied. "I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku." Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by 2 soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago." The other 2 are shocked. Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it. "I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak." "What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask. "They tied my hands behind my back."
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
No text found
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.
She believes I'm only after my money.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.
What do you call an old, Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls?
They have a high rate of return
Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.