16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
“No Jews Allowed”
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: 'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.' Sending a written message, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .' Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.' 'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
Sharing one of the best Facebook pages for Computer Science memes.
Hi everyone,Please visit https://ift.tt/2Kh2Yho to check out some of the funniest memes on Computer Science. Also, do share the memes you want to get posted here (with credits given of course).
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.
Had to wright a paragraph about this photo for my online english class today…
https://ift.tt/2VZxXnz
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
Apostles Creed.
A husband and wife are playing a crossword puzzle
Husband: Emphatic no, 5 letters. Wife: Never. Husband: Pistol, 3 letters. Wife: Gun. Husband: Disgust, 3 letters. Wife: Ugh. Husband: Charity, 4 letters. Wife: Give. Husband: Female sheep, 3 letters. Wife: Ewe. Husband: Pixar movie, 2 letters. Wife: Up.
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper “Wanna hear a joke about blondes?”
Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers "Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe… he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says "OK, FINE… I won't tell the joke… I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
My son beat my neighbor in a marathon race.
He's now in custody for assault.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says…
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
Everyone says Asians are bad at driving
I'm starting to think pearl harbour was an accident
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie “up”
It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, “Just take your Up, vote and go.”
A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos….*poof*
He disappeared without a tres