2/3
Bold to assume
to assume
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
Adam was born in Hong Kong
Adam was born in Hong Kong as the seventh child to the Lee family, who were loving parents. Adam's parents had moved to Hong Kong in from a small village in the Xinjiang province of China in search of a better life for them and their family. However, due to a lack of proper education in their village, they struggled to find work and both ended up working as cleaners in a University, earning minimum wage and they struggled day to day to get by. However, they were loving parents, and gave everything they could to their children. Adam had a happy childhood, a better education, and loved his mother and father dearly. The day after completing his final school exams, young Adam's world was torn apart.His parents had been killed in a tragic boating accident while they we celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. This devastated the teenager, he adored his parents and felt he has lost his whole world. He decided to go travelling to get away from the life in Hong Kong, where every day he was reminded of those he had lost. Using his meagre inheritance, he booked a ticket to London and packed a single bag, not looking back. Adam lived the high life, working in hotels and bars, he travelled Europe, drinking and partying his sorrows away. After a good six months, he met a girl and settled in Amsterdam, which was as good a city for the young man as you can imagine. He was fed up with the lifestyle of hospitality work, and found an ad for a job as apprentice cheese maker, of all things, studying the profession under the tutelage of Franciscus Veltman, a cheese maker world renowned, his Edam especially was constantly voted the best in all of the Netherlands. As such they technique and recipe was a closely guarded secret, only known to Franciscus himself. Things unfortunately faded away with the girl, as young love tends to do, however Adam had inherited his parents work ethic, and turned out to be a natural at making cheese. He and his mentor formed a close bond, with Franciscus, who was unable to have a family of his own, loved and looked after Adam as if he was his was his own son; and Adam himself looked up to him as a father. He had even finally taught Adam the secret Edam recipe, strengthening the bond between the two. With the help of Adam, Franciscus' business went from strength to strength, and after 3 years, he decided to take well deserved vacation for the first time in decades, such was his dedication to Caseiculture, safe in the knowledge that his livelihood was in good hands with Adam at the helm. He booked himself on a week long cruise down the Danube, as he'd always wanted to see the beauty of Budapest. Alas, tragedy struck again, as the cruise ship capsized, and Franciscus drowned in his cabin. For the second time on his still early life, Adam had been left heartbroken. He couldn't bring himself to stay in Amsterdam, packed his things and moved back to Hong Kong. Never one to be fully hindered by adversity, Adam used his skills and started his own cheese shop in his hometown. Again, thanks to Adam's hard work, talent and dedication, this was a roaring success, he made cheeses from all over the world that delighted the taste buds off anyone who tried them. As a tribute to dear old Franciscus, he however never sold his world famous Edam, only keeping it to make at home and treat those nearest to his heart. Despite constant calls from cheese lovers the world over who had tasted the Edam in Holland, Adam never wavered, and the cheese was never sold to the baying public. Adam at this point fell in love with the daughter of the owner of the florist next door to his shop, a beautiful young lady called Chen. He finally plucked up the courage to ask Chen out, ask took her to the finest restaurant in Hong Kong. Chen fell for Adam's wit and charm, and before long they were married in a lavish ceremony. Six months of marital bliss later, Chen becomes pregnant. Adam is delighted, with his life finally coming together. When Chen goes into labour, Adam rushes to the hospital. Ten painful hours later, and Chen gives birth, not to a child, but to a deer! Everyone is in shock, and experts the world over descend on Hong Kong to witness this miracle of science, but no one can explain it. Nevertheless, Adam and Chen treat the deer as if it was human, and in a fitting tribute name him Franciscus after his mentor and father figure, but along the way, shorten it to Frank for ease. Young Frank, despite the media attention, lives a sheltered childhood, and learns to walk, speak, goes to school, and leads as normal a life as an anthropomorphic deer could do. Adam continues to run his now thriving cheese business, and still keeps the masterful Edam just for special occasions with his new family, and Frank adores it, counting down the days until the next event when Adam brings it out to share. Frank continues his education, but a final tragedy was awaiting Adam. Chen, while out on a sailing holiday in the South China Sea with her now retired parents, fell overboard and was killed by a shark attack. Adam, after another cruel accident taking another loved one, cannot take anymore, and moves back to his parents village in Xinjiang, as far away from any large water sources as possible. He lives as a recluse, hiding away from the world in grief and sorrow. It's left to young Frank to run the cheese business. He, unfortunately, is not as adept at cheese making or running a business as his father, and the company starts to struggle. Realising this, he writes to his father for the legendary Edam recipe to sell to help revive the fortunes. His father, now a stubborn, grouchy soul, steadfast refuses out of tribute to Franciscus. Frank continues to just about keep the business afloat for the next few years, but every six months sends the same letter to his father asking for the recipe that could turn around his fortunes, but is constantly refused. Finally, Frank hears word that Adam is on his death bed, his grief stricken body as succumbed to cancer. Frank rushes to Xinjiang, to find Adam in a terrible state, with only hours to live. After a long and tearful goodbye, Frank again asks for the recipe. Adam, gives him a long look up and down, and says with his dying breath "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give Edam."
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex
But when the time came, I finally knew
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..
…to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…"
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. Youโll be a bouillonaire in no time.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
ANOTHER MILESTONE ACHIEVED IN THIS GREAT PRESIDENCY. SO MUCH WINNING! โฃ๐บ๐ธ๐ฅ
https://ift.tt/3bXqdZr
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a rowโฆ
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
I was going to give archery a shot
But thereโs too many drawbacks
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.
Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”.
The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro… proo… problem?" The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter. At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back." The doctor shook his head and replied, "Tha…thaaa…that's im… immm… imm… po.. po.. pooo.. impossible!"
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
The manual in my car says that I shouldnโt turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
Thatโs….sound advice.