2 is a prime number against all odds.
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Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand.
The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
Spiral shaped pasta…
really makes me consider the fusillity of life.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
Irish Prostitute
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
