2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Please remember to vote today
and remember to call a doctor if your election lasts more than 4 hours.
A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."
Joke
Job interviewer: βAnd where would you see yourself in five yearsβ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
No text found
How did Darth Vader know Santa had arrived?
He could sense his presents.
An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..
orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, βYou know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.β The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and Iβm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that weβd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each oβme brothers and one for me self.β The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, βI donβt want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.β The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. βOh, no, everybodyβs just fine,β he explains, βItβs just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasnβt affected me brothers though.β
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. π
RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
No text found
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight β¦
β¦ sigh
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
So proud
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said βIβm warm.β Son piped up and said βI can finally say this – Hi Warm, Iβm Dad.β Proud moment.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad
Why should you leave the restroom if someone walks in playing Pokemon Go?
Because they might be trying to catch a pikachu.
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well…uh…that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Me: Whatβs the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, Iβll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So whatβs the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: βWell? Are you still coughing?β The patient replies: βNo. Iβm afraid to.βΒ
A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except the movie Up. Heβs never gonna give you Up.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.