20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
![The only doctors we can afford for now! [received from a friend south of the border]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/stw42t8qn9o41-400x288.jpg)
The only doctors we can afford for now! [received from a friend south of the border]
https://ift.tt/2xjbhpm
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
To the person who hacked into my reddit account…
I will find you, and I will kill you. edit: no you wont
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
Do you need an ark?
I Noah guy.
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?
Because blonde men are stupid too.
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)
They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring. One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance. A few weeks later, a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island. On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says, “Do you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
No potatoes.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Mess up the formatting
How do you ruin a joke?
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
