2018 in a nutshell
Up on the 57th floor at a bar, 1 says to the other: "Did you know, if you jump out of this window that the air pressure gets so great by the 10th floor you'll get sucked straight back into the window at the 9th." The 2nd guy replies: "No way, that's bullshit." First guy says "I'm telling you it's true…" 2nd guy replies: "OK, Prove it. Jump out, if you make it back up here I'll buy you a drink." First guy: "OK, you got a deal." He opens the window and without hesitation, jumps out. The 2nd guy panics and runs over, but it's to late… The first guy is already plummeting down to the ground. He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, floors and would you know it… Just as he predicted, he is sucked into the window on the 9th. He catches the elevator back up to the 57th floor, goes to the bar with a big smug smile on his face and says to the 2nd guy: " Double Whiskey, straight on the rocks." The 2nd guy can't believe his eyes… He buys the drink but is convinced that he has been swindled. He says: "That was a set up… Or a fluke… Do it again… And I'll buy you 2 drinks." The first guy laughs, and replies: "OK, No problem. I'm telling you it's physics, no luck or trickery involved here. Just watch." He walks confidently over to the window (wobbling slightly from alcohol) and jumps out. The 2nd guy is looking with intent, sure he will find out what's going on and how the trick works. The first guy plummets towards the ground again, He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, floors and would you know it… he is sucked into the window on the 9th yet again. He catches the elevator back to the 57th floor and walks in, smugger than before. Yells over to the bartender: "2 double whiskeys, on the rocks." The bartender shakes his head in dismissal, but poor the drinks. The guy then stumbles over to the 2nd and says. "Now do you believe me… Go on, give it a go, it's exciting… Tell you what, I'll get you 3 drinks if you do it." The 2nd guy is hesitant… But having watched it been done twice with a very watchful eye.. Figures, he can't argue with science and decides to give it a shot. He tentitevely walks over to the window, sits upon the ledge… The first guys is stood by his side and cheers: "Go on! You can do it!" With that, the 2nd guy jumps. Screaming and terrified as he falls towards the ground at terminal velocity… He is hurling towards the street, He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, 10th, 9th, 8th, 7th, 6th, 5th, 4th, floor… The man is screaming, petrified for his life. "OH GOD I'M. GOING TO DIE!! HEEEEELP!!!!!!." He zooms past the 3rd… 2nd… Floor… He is headed face first for the curb… Suddenly the first guy appears from nowhere and catches him… The guy, still terrified but now puzzled and in disbelief. Overjoyed that he was saved… " How…. How did you do that!?" The first guy replies (still tipsy and slurring) … "I owe you 3 drinks." They catch the elevator to the 57th floor and walk into the bar.. The first guy says: "I'll have a double whiskey and this guy will have 3." The 2nd guy is traumatised from the experience he just went through… Shaking in the corner of the bar. The bartender, having seen and heard everything says to the first guy: "You know, you can be a real dick when you're drunk Superman."
You can sleep with a light on
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
Haven't heard from him yet
because its hands were constantly touching its face
Edit：Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”
They managed to coronise the world.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
With just the tip.
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
A four chin teller
Not unless you count Dracula
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
The Star-Spangled Banner.
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
They were cooked in Greece.
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
When the punchline is a parent.
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
I can’t wait to see them all
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
The motion was passed.