2019
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over
So I packed her shit and left.
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
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Wife: honey, I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid.
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face: Hi I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid, I’m dad
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens that had crossed it
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants. “Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!” He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again. “Shit!” He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground. “This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!” When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses. “Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!” It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp. As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him. “Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and…” “Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?” Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.” The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”. Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”
What does a house wear?
Address
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
Do I have COVID-19?
Or did you just take my breath away?
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.