2020 be like!!!
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
You’re good, how am I?
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
A guy died from laughing too much.
It was a manslaughter.
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
I wasn’t sure if this belonged here, r/im14andthisisdeep, or r/forwardsfromgrandma
https://ift.tt/33rtjjN
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
As a Mathmatician…
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I’m going to Mexico
but not by choice though
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
What does a house wear?
Address
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
The Island Joke.
There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island. One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent small portions of their armies. Kingdom A sent 15 knights and 25 squires; kingdom B send 20 knights and 25 squires and Kingdom C sent one knight and one squire. The knights decided among themselves that this fighting was beneath them and decided to let the squires settle things by themselves. While the squires of Kingdom A and Kingdom B were warming up, the squire of Kingdom C erected a tall pole, tied a noose to it and hung a pot in the noose. When they actually started fighting, the squire of kingdom C was able to successfully fight off all the other squires, because the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.