2020 filled with plot twist
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution…
Could this be a red flag?
Coughy Filter (see attached meme)
https://imgur.com/a/wi51bYh
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,
Now he’s just a handyman.
A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said…
…"There are 99 people in that choir." My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?" I replied, "They are singing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do."
Why did the large bucket think the small bucket was sick?
It was a little pail…… 😁
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
If I had a Delorean
I would probably only drive it from time to time
Keep the earth clean
It’s not Uranus
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
Bit true innit?
Bit true innit?
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.
He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her n every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
There was nothing left but de Brie
I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
She’s a really big help.
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more. Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?" The Russian: "The Indian, of course".
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family…
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.