Spelling An L
Is down-right easy
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
My wife was really pissed when I told her I spent $1,000 on a new wallet……
I told her not to worry I’ll definitely get my money out of it.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
What do judges like to wear?
A law suit
A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months.
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God". Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY