2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
Who else in the Midwest got absolutely wrecked by the weather?
Who else in the Midwest got absolutely wrecked by the weather?
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
I‘ve been trying to open the bra of my girlfriend for 20 minutes now…
I wish I had never put it on.
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
I just started my own business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
Sex is like math
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…
I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
What sound does a 747 airplane make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!”
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
I’ll never forget my dads last words before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said
“Son”… “how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken…
There’s no going back now…
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once
It’s a four loaf cleaver
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?” He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday.
Left the brownies in the oven too long.
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,…
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.