May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
Oh! What a difference 60 years makes
Chinese metro stations work harder than you do.
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
Spent a few hours on the wife’s grave today
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
Laughs in very high-level programming language
How is that legal?
Air drying boomer
This is me Right Now
Knowledge is futile
*Can you fix my internet connection?*
hahaha I hate my wife
If you know, you know
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
The new serenity prayer
When a program automatically adds itself to Startup items or the Taskbar.
Yeah science bitch
In honor of NNN
No, no, no he’s got a point
just a plain old dose of reality
Apparently they don’t like the taste of their own medicine
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
Quid Pro Quo
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
My sister just asked me to help do some chores, but I refused.
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
Astigmatism, Myopia, and MAGABlindness
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Both Sides you guys! both sides are the problem.
Saw this on IG, but the source is from FB
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
Expectations vs. Reality
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
Turns out this is hell!
Foot, meet mouth.
Found this today on google. Very helpful.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Developer: I think everything is clear User: Hold my beer!
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
Why I’m not Republican…
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
It’s finally happening!
It’s funny because they’re both burning in Hell
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
How do you even create such big json?
Today’s coder in nutshell
my homie’s facebook feed is blessed
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
They’re not wrong