.
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
I’d lose my shit if someone snuck laxatives into my food
No text found
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
I’m in for an intense vowel movement later
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
Why is suicide illegal in China?
Destruction of government property
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
What do you call a factory that only makes good products?
A satisfactory
Who Did Princess Leia’s Hair? (My daughter’s joke)
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
I was driving along when this man waved me down.
I stopped the car and he asked me if I could give him a few directions. 'Certainly,' I replied, 'up, down, east and west.' Then I drove off.
Is that a bacon tree I see?
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says……… "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree." "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree." And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? " "Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush…."
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
Did you know 2×10 is same as 2×11 ?
One is twenty and other is twenty too.
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
Dog 1: “I’m sad, tell me a joke.” Dog 2:”OK, knock, kn…”
They both run to the door barking wildly.
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus
6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus
Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.