.
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
Reintarnation
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
Spent a few hours on the wife’s grave today
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
My sister just asked me to help do some chores, but I refused.
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Terminal Illness
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
