2meirl4meirl
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
I broke my finger at work today…
On the other hand, everything is OK
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
My wife and I had a fantastic wedding
Even our cake was in tiers.
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
I don’t get people who call it a first world problem when they can’t charge their phones
African kids can't charge their phones either.
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.
I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
Dog for sale . . .
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.The owner says "Ten dollars."The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Did you hear about the photographer who got lost in the woods?
He died of exposure.
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
https://ift.tt/2Y8K0BE
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
I just got into a car accident!
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.
The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
Did you know that you can’t run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
What is the abbreviation for “we have a thing”
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Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
I for one, like Roman numerals.
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