2meirl4meirl
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dislexic and an agnostic?
Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
They don’t do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama.
You never turn your back on family.
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: ‘You’ll never guess with how many women I’ve slept!’
'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'
Why do riot police go to work early?
To beat the crowd.
My wife was in labour and started shouting “Wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
If I had to describe myself in one word..
It would be "bad at following directions"
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.
GC: I'll direct LD: I'll produce MM: I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
My neighbours listen to great music
Whether they like it or not
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
Tits are like pizza…
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
A magician worked on a cruise ship…
….the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot… They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….."Alright, good one but i can't take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???"
I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.
A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. “You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need … a new suit.” He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.” Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.