3.14% of sailors are…
He was attacked by a giant crab
But China got it right off the bat.
I'll let you know
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
It was just lowercase.
Tickets are non-refundable…
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
I’m not buying it.
She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave. Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave. He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She finishes off other zombie slaves until she gets caught by a guardian. Guardian says: I'm going to make you a guardian. He forces the raider into the guardian room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She avoids other guardians and enters the sarcophagus room. The mummy rises and grabs the raider. Mummy says: I'm going to make you a mummy. Raider says: At least you're clear on your intentions.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.
I handed her the dictionary.
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
A tea toddler
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
The Crimea River.
It's pretty oak, eh.
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
You have my word.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
It scares the shit out of the dog.