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Do cats stutter?
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff'….And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
cries in toshiba hdd
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We haven’t even started. How lazy are you?”
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Two women were playing golf
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue
Can a ninja hit a fly with a ninja star?
Shuriken.
I drew a graph of all my previous relationships.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis. . Credit to /u/Viewedaskew on /r/jokes
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign" Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"