3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974…………………………….
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
Why do parallel lines get on so well?
Because they’re straight up with each other.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
![You need a crown [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/staw3yuj30k41-400x400.jpg)
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
Are you today’s date?
Because you are 10/10
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
My girlfriend told me that she’s leaving because I’m too immature…
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
How do you like them apples?
A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke The bartender plops an apple in front of him. "But I wanted a drink" The bartender says "Just try it." The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!" "Turn it around," says the bartender. The guy bites into the other side of the apple and says "Wow, this tastes just like Coke. Amazing!" Another guy sits down, orders a Gin & Tonic. The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. "I want a drink, not food" The first guy says "Trust me, just taste it." He bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Gin" "Turn it around," says the bartender. He bites into the other side, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Tonic. Amazing!" A third guy sits down. "What can I get for you?" the bartender asks. "Hmm, let me think" The first guy says "Whatever you want, he has an apple that tastes just like it." The guy says "Oh yeah, do you have one that tastes like pussy?" The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. He takes a bite, and spits it out, screaming "This tastes like SHIT" "Turn it around" says the bartender.
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
A young muslim boy asks his dad ” what are you wearing on your head?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." Son asks " what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?" Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face during a sandstorm" . "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia…
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"