3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!
"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!
"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.
And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!
"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.
And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.
Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.
"I wish for a meatier shower!"
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
Why is 77 better than 69?
You get 8 more!
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)
4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
I finally found out what causes random out of place boners
Subliminal thots
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
Not only did someone post this on Facebook, they reposted it again. Boomer- 100
https://ift.tt/2UMcUFi
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery
It was a joint operation
Where did the Swedish cross country race end?
The Finnish line
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
I named my WiFi network after my wife.
They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
Why were the Men in Black at Bruce Wayne’s Mansion?
his parents just died
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Thank you
This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you 💖
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse
"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient." "Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she laughed at the mans penis, she composed herself as well as she could. "I'm so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" She ran out of the room…..
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.