3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
They consider cows to be sacred.
I don't know how to feel about it
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
It was the least I could do for the guy.
Tell him Obama put it in.
Great food, no atmosphere.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Because it has no home button.
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
The leaning tower of pisa
It was an ether/oar situation.
They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
Is they can blow themselves up
The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically” The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized” The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded” The fourth one says “Guys come on, operating on politicians is the best and clearly the easiest” The other three are looking at each other in disbelief. One of them asks why. So the surgeon says “They are heartless, gutless, spineless and heads and asses are interchangeable!”
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
But then I was born.
They both came in a little behind
I just came to that realization.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
Your bi yourself
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
Haven't heard from him yet