3 in 5 people suffer from anxiety.
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
They just don't work
They would call it crucifact.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
…Is sphere itself.
it can write other words too
Your underwear is incorrect, please try again. If you can’t remember your underwear, enter your email and we will send you recovery instructions. Your underwear is too small, it must have atleast three holes. Your underwear hint is “Am I wearing any?” Your new underwear cannot be your old underwear.
So I packed my stuff and right.
Without looking really dumb.
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
A private tutor!!! Ha!
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees. “How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself. Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly. “Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, and starts the chainsaw. The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?”
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs? John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
But I don't want to spread it.
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home." Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too." Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."