3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.
25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.
So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request the priest says “Yes, only if each one of you do something bad.”
They all agree and off their separate ways.
When the first nun comes back the priest asks her about her day. And she tells him all about how amazing it was driving around in a Ferrari. Stumped upon how she was driving a Ferrari he asks the nun how she was able to drive a Ferrari. She responds “You told me to do something bad. So I robbed a bank and bought a Ferrari.”
In shock the priest told her to go drink some holy water to cleanse herself. And just as he starting to catch his breathe the second nun comes back. And she instantly starts telling him how great her day at the beach was wearing a bikini. And the priest feeling responsible now asks how she got the bikini. She responds ”I had to drown a lady to get it.”
The priest baffled by what he just heard again tells her to drink the holy water to cleanse herself of the horrific crime she committed. The last nun walks in and tells the priest she had a great day just walking around the park. And he knew he had to ask. “Did you do anything bad?” She responds calmly “No, not really, I just peed in the holy water before I left.”
Translation: I don’t need the Top do I get the rest on sale?
Inside bad, outside good
The only advantage of knowing C++
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
My girlfriend objected when I tried to..
post our home made sex tape on PornHub, saying she couldn’t stand the thought of all those strangers masturbating over it. So I put it on Facebook instead.
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
Your penis is so small…
that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
Entertaining Myself During Quarantine
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Tea time with a fun jingle
This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today…
Not everyone of you, of course.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
Looks less, but it’s 180.
Wife hates husband, likes cat (sorry for the bad editing, had to translate improfessionally)
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
Preparing for their futures
The man who would be king…
Superman is flying though the air super horny…
When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, I’m Superman… Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, he’s gone. “What was that?!” screamed Wonder Woman. “I don’t know” the Invisible Man said. “But my asshole is killing me.”
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
So I wanted to ask this cross-eyed girl out
She said "Sorry, I'm seeing someone else"
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.
A husband and wife were having dinner…
…at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?" The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress." The wife angrily says, "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce." He replies, "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari's in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband tells her, "That's his mistress." The wife says, "Well, ours is prettier."…
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
Job Experience Levels
*Insert an HTML programmer joke here*
Officers of the United States
Such a Foolish Gamble!
Why do the french only use one egg when baking a cake?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
how much is 90% of infinity?
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives. The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college. On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening. Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him. At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02. The bartender was astounded– he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!" I will not apologize.
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
Turtles are slow
Me to my friend: “Can I rubber duck you real quick?”
Just got hired as a science teacher and this is immediately a fear of mine
why santa might be a republican [OC]
The watermark on the photo too 👌Fb delivers again!
>drinking a snowglobe
An Indian who was too modern was elected as chief of the tribe
Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
I think this is probably closer to the truth
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, NO ATMOSPHERE
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
“Fucking China virus”
Addition polymers obviously only occur across double bonds.
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who can’t
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.
The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages…. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.
How’d he get such a good email name🤔🤔
When you set your Time Machine to Year One, Day One:
What do you call a factory that only makes good products?
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
E L O N G A T E D T A B L E
Socialism for me, but not for thee!
Wait for it!
My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.
I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.