3 Stooges vs 1 flat screen TV:
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke win?
The No bell prize.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
Which body part dies last ?
The eyes, because they dilate.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people
I have sexdaily
Crap! I mean dyslexia
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
My favorite time of day is 6:30; hands down
No text found
Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job?
He got hammered
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome
An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk: Time traveler: Do you have XL togas? Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport.
I'd probably get bronze.
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
Why Don’t Roofers Like Getting Married?
Because they prefer the shingle life!
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
My little sister just learned how to crack knock knock jokes and she just used this on me
Her: knock knock Me: who's there? Her: eye lo Me: eye lo who? Her: eye lo you This is isn't funny but I had to share my lil 2 year old's first knock knock joke
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.