.
I too, was once a male trapped in a female’s body….
But then I was born.
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! “What was that?” she asks. “Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Saint Peter, “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. “What was that?!” she asked anxiously. “Oh ,don’t worry,” says Saint Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.” The lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” asks Saint Peter. “I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the lady. “But you can’t go there,” says the saint, “You’ll be raped and sodomized!” “It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.”
My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”
It was a third degree burn.
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
I’ve always wanted one of these on my car
No text found
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
Internet Memes and Mental Health – A Study [16+]
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job…
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job… "I'll pay you $20 to paint my porch," said one neighbor. The scout agreed and went to work. A few hours later, the scout knocked on the neighbor's door and said, "I'm all finished, but your car is a Mercedes, not a Porsche."
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
What do sprinters eat before races?
Nothing, they fast
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right