365 Days on Reddit!
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
How can you tell when a joke is a ‘dad joke’?
When its apparent.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.