3x As Good
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
Women are pros 🤪🤣
There’s a bright side to everything
Introducing Another Mode of Being zoned
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
It’s called Dementia Trumpidis
The UI is super intuitive. User:
Like a round peg in a square hole…
Photographic evidence of Obama shaking hands with a Russian asset
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
Tribal selective obtuseness
I hate dying
It will be the last thing I do.
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
How To Make Comics
Sad but true
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
The joys of StackOverflow
Donald trump motor boating Rudy Guliani dressed in drag.
So sad, but true!
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
Monday morning mini-stroke
What nationality is Santa Claus?
DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
Poor Astra :/
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
I can’t hold it for much longer
As a non-American: Yes we are. Yes, we are.
What about bird law?
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
That wall still working it’s magic
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
Making America great!
When you thought that you have tested EVERYTHING
A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said: 'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.' 'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile. The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams. At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: 'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?' 'The gold.' 'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.' 'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student. The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: 'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'
Good old Bobby Tables
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced. Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Periodic table noises
Complete with poor crop job
Haha silly Bob
To the one who stole my glasses,
I'll find you. I have contacts.
He’s so proud too!
Seems appropriate for this sub
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
Hillary should come out and say “Iran if you’re listening….”
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her “no it doesn’t”
Stay safe everyone!
Saw a video of what immune cells do to Covid-19 cells. Start spraying
Not certain what exactly this means, probably cuz I’m such a zoomer
don’t be a dinosaur and text
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
At least it’s not hateful
Damn youth with theyre 76 genders!!!
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Let’s ruffle some gun nut feathers today
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
Let’s learn binary programming
My eyes hurt
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”