4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
What’s the favorite drink of pornstars?
7 up in cider.
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex
But when the time came, I finally knew
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
Wanna feel old?
Wait
Did you see Trump’s speech last night?
Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Sales pitch
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.