4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.
Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test.
Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions:
For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5?
For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears…
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta
Now it's a Ford Focus
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids “Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?”
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
Why are ghost so bad at lying?
You can see right through 'em.
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
The cocaine that I bought is so white..
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.
Microsoft is killing off support for Windows 7, which is used on a third of PCs globally
https://ift.tt/2uQvjqf
3 guys have a sleep over
3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl was a brunette " The guy in the mindle saying " Fuck sake I had a dream I was skiing "
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
