4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently…
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Did you hear about the photographer who went to jail,
I heard that he was framed.
I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do you call a timely dinosaur?
A prontosaurus
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
I don’t often tell Dad jokes…
But when I do, he usually laughs.
Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed?
He was a little chilly.
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what’s with the steering wheel? He replies…
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
What’s a communists favorite part of math?
The distributive property.
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
I made a chemistry joke yesterday in class
It had no reaction.
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high
She seemed surprised
