40% of cops can relate.
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “What would Jesus do” ?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
You don’t want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor?
Fine, suit yourself.
One cosy Friday evening, my girlfriend said she wanted to watch Grease.
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
Percy Jackson, son of the sea God. Did not do well in school.
His grades were below C level.
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
Seven has “even” in it.
That's odd.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
My paper towels went missing.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade
He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says, "If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him. He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage. When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal. Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles
Anyone else?
Anyone else?
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, “Give it to me straight doc!”
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."