Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
I was going to post a time travel joke but…..
Nobody thought it was funny.
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the mars?
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
Republican’s ultimate alpha-male. More paranoid than a Kardashian of ruining his makeup.
https://ift.tt/3b7zJsh
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
Circumcised people get their foreskin….
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
I for one, like Roman numerals
No text found
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex
English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!" French Woman: And so what? Does it work? English Woman: If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I'm just so happy! The French woman seems very interested in it, and says she'll do that. The next day the three women meet again. French Woman: You won't believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him " Antoine, you balls are so hot!". He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row! At this point the Russian woman is convinced and decides to try that herself. The next day the three women meet again. They find the Russian woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered. Her two friends asked her what happened. Russian Woman: I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: "Vladimir, why your balls are not as hot as Harry's and Antoine's?"
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers