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Chameleon
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
They are show shellfish.
Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?
They have no Seoul .
COVID-19 is like Pasta
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
These scare me most about the future when it’s a younger millennial sharing this drivel.
https://ift.tt/34p9pX8
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
xi jinping has coronavirus
He is now called winnie the flu
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
Just found out why my toast kept getting burnt
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
What’s heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
My phone loves it when I drop it
It always cracks up
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
Why does seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive…
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?
They both have to pass the bar.
What do you call a dad joke that’s matured?
All groan up.
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.